“You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living."

I think that one of the hardest lessons in life may possibly be learned and thrive within the confines of a person's understanding of his or her self. Up until yesterday, I thought that I knew who I was, however, I have come to a revelation; not only do I need to understand myself, but also my place in the world. I need to be able to hold and maintain a relationship with the world AND myself. 

From a very young age I have known that I possess a gift. I have an ability to understand others on higher levels. In doing so, I am able to convey messages instilled with guidance and counsel that bring others to peace with themselves. Until this stage of my life, I havent utilized this skill to its full potential. Sure, Ive helped out numerous friends, but I dont want it to end there. I want to touch the lives of others on a larger scale. I want to give back to the environment that has offered and given me so much. 

Last night I stayed up to soul search a bit, and came to the conclusion that I need to take the first step towards this goal; I need to get my life straight and priorities in line. I need to adjust aspects of my lifestyle in order to improve myself. I need to quit doing the things that are slowly harming me. I am bent on this. Im turning over a new leaf. 

This is step one. The constant struggle with my self conscience. Once I overcome my urges and organize my inhibitions, Ill move on to step two. 

There are greener pastures in my future. 

“The ladder of success must be set upon something solid before you can start to climb”

Ever since I was a small child, I have always believed that each human being has a life long companion. Not a soul mate or a lover, but a friend. Through thick and thin, through yesterday and tomorrow. 

There are not enough words in the english language to express how glad I am to know who you are. 

I must admit, within this past year alone, without you, I would have faced almost certain insanity. Im confidant enough in our relationship to charter our growth, rather than change. Im confidant enough proclaim that you will never have the opportunity to see my back. Im confidant enough to stand by your side, through thick and thin, even if that means risking the possibility of self destruction. After all, if we've made it this far, who the hell can get in the way?

"Depend on your feet, for you can climb the highest mountain."

You say that you listen to everything that I tell you, and apply it to your life on a daily basis. So if there is anything that you ever learn from me i want it to be this, because this is one of the most important things:

Everyone deserves the right to feel comfortable with other people. Dont compromise your values just to fit in with some one else.

Youve got a good head on your shoulders babe. keep it that way.
Im proud of you each and every single day.

“Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body.”

Tonight I went back to my roots. Figuratively speaking. 

After work I connected with my dad. Following that I spent the evening on North Carolina State University campus. The feeling I get when I walk across those bricks barefoot, lay on my back in the grass watching the night sky, or navigating throughout the walkways amongst the buildings ignites a flame from deep within. A flame that can not be kindled by any other source. 

Needless to say, Im ready to go home. I miss it. 

“So live that your memories will be part of your happiness”

It only takes the little things to make you realize what's lacking in your life. The subtle details, the muffled yet still audible sounds, or the daily activities that have become routine. Throughout the course of this week I have com to realize how much I don't want to spend the rest of my summer in Holly Springs. At work last week a can a saline burst in an aisle. The very instant that the salt registered within my sense of smell, for a split second I felt like I was back in Louisiana. For that moment, I relived stepping outside my dorm room in the morning to be met by soothing salty breeze. In that instant, I felt like I was a passenger on a tiny water vessel navigating down the bayou. During that time, my world stopped. Time stood still. And then the moment passed. Reality regained control of my consciousness. 

My dad and I went out for coffee Saturday morning. We stopped in Global Village. Inside was the Hillsborough Street Fiddler, accompanied by a friend on guitar. The duo played harmoniously the entire length of our visit. For a few seconds, I revisited the first week of my freshman year. I remember buying books, drinking coffee, or just hanging out on Hillsborough Street while the Fiddler composed background music. Until this Saturday, the background music of the Fiddler had gone unnoticed, by me at least. 

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Its finally set in. This is real. Youre not coming back. I shudder every time that thought crosses my mind. I have to learn to live without; To cope with someone entirely different than you. It scares me to think that I may not be able to accomplish that feat. I am terrified. 

I havent even met you yet, nor had the opportunity to exchange words, but I still feel it necessary to apologize, prior to both of those events. What you dont understand about me as of yet, is that i am a creature of habit; I am not a huge fan of change. Period. Because of this, I feel the need to prematurely apologize. Im sorry for whatever judgements I may make and stereotypes I may file you under. Please understand that these are not my intentions, but run a high risk of becoming reality all the same. 

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

Hope is a renewable resource.