"One door opens another"

Ive started a new blog for one of my COM classes this semester. Take a gander, drop me a line.
http://whenrealitybecomesdigital.blogspot.com/

“True love is friendship -- caught on fire.”

Remember yourself years ago. Think about the people you loved, the memories you cherished, and the feelings that created the fragile fabric of your existence. Embrace that recollection. Hold it close to your heart, feel its comfort, and embody those transgressions.

Now look at where you are now. Appreciate the stepping stones of life that lead you to stand where you are today. Acknowledge that everything happens for a reason, and that "chance" played no role in the creation of your being.

I am able to stand before you today, as the person I am, because of my past experiences. Be they good or bad, each and every single moment shaped my future. Tonight I cleansed my soul, in an attempt to forever immortalize those memories.

Moments ago I sat on my back porch, with my best friend by my side, and together we torched every remaining pentacle of my high school career. Wide eyed and weary, we watched as each individual photograph dissipated in a nostalgia induced cloud of smoke.

No one can change who we were. No one can manipulate or distort those moments, they are forever a part of who we are. What remains is left up to fate.

“Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.”

The following excerpt is old. Not like "last season of LOST old" or "first semester of college" old. It was written before I had completed half of my high school career, way back in 2003. Its "that" kind of old.

"Cancer: A Bitter, Sweet Thrill

Cancer: (noun) uncontrolled cell division that may be caused by environmental factors and/or changes in enzyme production in the cell cycle.

When a person's body becomes damaged, his/her cells divide in order to repair. Harming one's self for satisfaction could very well be argued or even described as a form of cancer. Irritating or lacerating the skin until blood surfaces causes a wound to form, but more importantly, it disrupts the cell cycle. The greater the quantity, volume, and depth of the wounds, the greater the cell cycle disruption. The great the disruption, the greater amount of time required for healing and recovery. The healing process consists of cells dividing in order to replace injured cells. In most cases, a depressed individual's mind is stronger than his/her body, therefore the 'urge' to continue such self mutilation is uncontrollable, thus creating massive, potentially unnecessary cell division to occur - Cancer."

“One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised."

I dont know what you think gives you the right to judge me and make executive decisions about my life, but this shit stops now. Not even for one more second.

Im a big girl, I can handle my own shit. I dont need you deciding what I do and dont need to do. Especially after the speech that you pitched to me, accusing me of the same damn thing. And for the record, I didnt disrespect you like that. I thought you deserved more.

But thanks for being so quick to believe that I did. Im glad I know what you really think of our friendship.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who is with you.
My Father


2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
A deer

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I step on a branch, it cracks underneath me, and scares the deer away. 


4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your DREAM house. How big is it?
Its a log cabin. 


5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No fence.

6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
Beer and the rugby team. 


7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
A glass beer mug.

8. What do you do with the cup?
Pick it up and take it with me. 


9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?
Its a big river. 


10. How will you cross the water?
Im going to swim across.

___________________________________________________________

1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.

10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.

"Kairos (καιρός) is an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment. "

Every now and again, something sparks my inner genius, and I develop a profound idea. 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

Lyfe, needs more y's, both physically, and metaphorically. 

Creativity within word spelling is a beautiful thing, inspired by those mavericks who dare to bend the rules. Who says that 'life' need be spelled with an 'i'? A single 'y' works just the same, utilizing a method of identical pronunciation. If you dont dare bend nor break the little rules, how far will you go in lyfe?  How will you experience the world through closed doors? How long can you follow both the 'rules' and your imagination? You can only drudge on so far, before falling short of establishing your identity. Creativity and an eager spirit are something that no man can take from you willingly. Dont be the one to deprive yourself. 

Metaphorically, if more y's, or in this case 'whys' were in existence in the world, lyfe would have more meaning. People would be less afraid to challenge the majority, more inclined to become a trail blazer. Tomorrow, do yourself, nay, the world a favor. Ask yourself 'why?'  

The lake is the catalyst to my internal being. Thank you for taking me there. 

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

Technology, not myself, is currently in control of my life. Next up on my list, websites.

Lets make the magic happen.  

http://gallery.me.com/redrugger

http://twitter.com/REDrugger

“Accept fate, and move on. Don't yield to the seductive pull of self-pity. Acting like a victim threatens your future.”

Its really hard for me, as a writer, to compose a piece that is self-fulfilling and insightful when I feel like my life is heading in the right direction. I dont know what my deal is, but when my life is smooth sailing, I take no action accept to kick my feet up and go with the flow.

So you have probably guessed by now that because Im composing this entry, I must have stumbled across some rocks in the road. 

What annoys me most, is that these are, by no means, new issues. They are composed entirely of the same misconceptions, faults, and short comings that I have been struggling with since November. 

If given the opportunity, I have decided that I would separate my leg from the remaining segment of my body. It bears a greater burden than it is worth. In the beginning of my rehabilitation I thought that it would be easier to start playing again in small increments rather than not playing any at all. After our first game it was rather apparent to me, that not only was I sadly mistaken, but I had also severely underestimated my ego, when I had to walk off the pitch only 10 minutes into the match. 

Admitting that I have a weakness and, in turn, asking for help is a task I have never met head on with a willing and eager spirit. And yet, here I am, forced to do so on almost a daily basis. I dont know how long I can tread this current while no progress is emerging. Self pity has gotten me no where thus far. I had better buck up, or this monster will consume me. 

“Write your injuries in dust, your benefits in marble.”

I know my limits. I know how far I can push myself without cracking. I know how much pain I can endure. I know the difference between hurting and injured. I am no where near injured. 

Trust me. 

I dont want to be treated differently than everyone else. There's no doubt in anyone's mind that Im not up to par with everyone else. Everyone knows this, myself included. But I wont ever be as strong as I once was if I dont push myself. 

So Im asking you, help me help myself. Dont baby me. Dont use caution with me. Treat me as you would anyone else. 

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves.”

Anyone who knows me well, knows that my conscience constantly hangs heavy over my head. My every move is evaluated and applied to my persona. Normally I know better than to double cross my mentality, however, every once in a while I have a momentary lapse in my judgment and throw caution into the wind. I had one of these moments recently, and sure enough promptly following the release of my words the wind swept the stability right from underneath my feet and knocked me on my ass, left alone to suffer the wrath of my conscience. 

Over the years Ive learned that my biggest struggle always resides within myself. One day, I will be at the root of my own destruction. I will tear myself apart before anyone else even gets the opportunity to. 

“Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity”

Im laying in my bed watching television with my sister, and as I flip through the channels, I can hear a chorus of sirens screaming outside my window. I listened as the noise trailed off into the distance and imagined the unfortunate events that wait on the other side. No one should have to start of their christmas with fire trucks and ambulances. No one. 

Merry Christmas everybody. 

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”

Im sad to announce that my streak as a homeless couch hopper has ended. I have since returned back to my parents house where my every move is monitored and I am judged for practically every aspect of my being, thus reminding me why I chose to be homeless in the first place. The criticism began within five minutes of me walking in the front door. Ive come to accept that I will never be the perfect child that my parents desire nor will I ever fit in to their preferred mold. I like who I am. I like the direction that Im heading in. One day I hope they can look past the surface level judgements and see it to. 

Maybe one day. 

“Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. Remember this when you find yourself at the beginning."

Okay, so Ive spent the past week and a half homeless, but Im using the term rather loosely. No, I havent been camped out in a cardboard box on the side of the road, but i havent slept in a bed that I can call my own. The dorms closed last week, and I refuse to return to my parent's house because we dont always see eye to eye, and I would rather just avoid conflict all together. So, in order to preserve my sanity, Ive been staying with a few of my team mates, whom are gracious enough to let me intrude their space. If youre one of them, and youre reading this, thank you. It means a lot to me to know that your willing to help me out, even though you dont necessarily have any obligation to.

I digress.

In this past week and a half, Ive learned a lot about myself, and my life in general. Im starting the new year knowing what my limits are and I am beginning to realize the person that I aspire to be. I know exactly what I want, and what its going to take to get there. Ive set goals, and will settle for nothing short of perfect. Ive made too many sacrifices before, and that trend dies tonight. Im laying the shattered remnants of yesterday to rest, and focusing on nursing tomorrow. I know who will stand by my side throughout this process, and I know who not to trust to see this transformation through.

I digress.

This is a journey that I feel like I need to take. If not, I dont think that I will ever be at peace with myself. In doing all of this, I realise that I have neglected some of my friends back home. Im sorry if Ive been a little distant or out of reach, but Ive got some unsettled business to handle here in Raleigh. Ive always tried to go above and beyond the call of duty to help those that I care about, and right now, I know of someone who could use a little direction, a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on. I know Im not the only person equipped to do the job, and that even if I were to remove myself from the equation she would find a way to deal, but I cant bring myself to walk away. Its just a rough situation, and right now, I kind of feel like she's handling it in a negative, deconstructive manner. She has so much going for her; a captivating personality, endless compassion, and looks that could turn heads and drop jaws. I wish she would recognize her potential and refuse to settle for less. I wish she would set the petty bull shit aside and set herself first. All it takes is a level head. I know youve got one, so why not act like it? Dont get me worng, as your friend I want nothing but the best for you, and Ill stand by your side through thick and thin, but dont get careless, because that's when life starts to lose it's sparkle. Trust me, Ive been there.

I digress.

The dark settles and a new day dawns. We all have some growing to do. This could be the beginning of something entirely new. Something pulsing with youth that refreshes us all.

"Im posted up in the top spot."

There's no denying that I have a wild temper, but ever since I turned my life around, Ive been able to keep it on lock down. Thats 4 years of work Ive busted my ass to accomplish. In twenty seconds you tore down each and every single one of those boundaries, sending a pulsing rage throughout my entire being. I promise that if I catch you running your mouth about me or any one I care about again, the duration of time you continue to speak will be short lived. How dare you blaitently and purposely lie behind my back. What gives you the right to play god in a situation you dont even belong in? Get off your high horse and meet me on a level playing field. I would demolish your entire persona in a matter of seconds. Accept it.

"Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations."

Every so often, I let my brain get the better of me. An instance sparks a thought, which leads to a speculation, which turns into an assumption, that ultimately ends up being bad news. I want more than anything to believe that some good, no matter how miniature it may be, lies within the depths of every human being. I want to believe that when push comes to shove, I know who I can count on to lift me up when I fall. 

There was a time when I knew, or rather, thought that I did. Oh, to be young and naive. But that has since been tainted with the transgressions of tomorrow. 

People, although dissimilar in stature, are all influenced by an identical nature; A nature that embodies selfish needs and superficial wants. 

I respect and trust you more than the majority of  people currently in my life. You make me feel safe. There's nothing that I wouldnt do to protect that. I dont mean to doubt you or your sincerity, but my instincts scare me. People scare me. 

Prove me wrong. 

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

Wow. My last post was in October. The past few months blogging has been the last thing on my mind. Between recovering from my leg injury, finishing up the rugby season, classes, and trying to maintain some form of a social life Ive had little time for myself. Im gonna try to be better about that. I just get so wrapped up with things and helping other people, that I just kind of lose myself. 

To recap the growth of these months Ive spent on hiatus, I feel marvelous. As a matter of fact, I dont remember the last time I felt this good. Ive developed a friendship that I foresee lasting a long time. We just get along so well, our brains just seem to click. Theres really no other explanation for it. Because of it, I feel so renewed. I dont trust people easily, but she is just so genuine, almost to a fault. Through all of my stupid little trivial issues. when all I wanted to do was wallow in self pity, she wouldnt allow it. When everyone either didnt know what to say or said what I wanted to hear, she showed me honesty. 

Thank you. It means more to me than you will ever know.

“He divines remedies against injuries; he knows how to turn serious accidents to his own advantage; whatever does not kill him makes him stronger”

I dont know why, but this class, my only 8:00am class, inspires me to write. I feel as though Im 'cheating' myself if I walk away from this classroom without having constructed some form of grammatically correct arrangement of words. 

This stage of my life, needs to draw some sort of conclusion soon. I have never before been this frustrated with myself. The containment associated with this injury and surrounded by this brace has caused my mind to go into overdrive. Essentially, I feel like it will spin out of control soon. I want to run. I want to roll over in the middle of the night with out a sharp pain shooting up my leg. I want the be able to stand in the shower for more than 5 minutes without feeling like Im going to fall over. I want to jump. I want to play with my teammates and my hallmates. I want to be able to keep up with my friends. 

For the first time in my life, I want to be like everyone else. 

Im tired of people taking pity on my injury. Im tired of everyone underestimating what I still maintain the ability to do. Im tired of being treated differently. Keep your sympathy. Show me honesty. Show me something real. 

I just want things to go back to the way that they were. 

At practice last night, I watched the team run drills and practice plays. I have never in my entire life wanted to run fitness drills as bad as I do now. Im envious, for lack of a better term. I want to be out there with them. I dont want to watch from the sidelines anymore. 

Its only been 8 days. 

"Pain is temporary. Pride is forever."

Twenty nine days. Its been twenty nine says since my last post. Where does the time go? I feel like it hasnt been that long since I sat here with the white monitor glow shining on my face as I typed out my thoughts. I guess I was wrong. Ill admit my mistake. Actually, thats something that Ive been doing quite frequently as of late. I dont exactly know what's going on in my little world, but I know that Im different, and that Im continuing to change. It has yet to be determined wether this change is for better or for worse. I have friends that could argue for and against both sides of the argument, but alas, I am caught in the crossfire. I just dont know what to do with myself. Currently Im just watching as things happen, and playing it by ear, although, I dont know how long I will be able to do that. Im deathly afraid of letting people down. Im afraid of disappointment. I wish I could please all of the people, all of the time. But I cant. Im only human. 

I found out over the past few weeks what its like to have walked in a place that does not exist. One of the islands in the Louisiana Gulf Coast that I visited over the summer has vanished. Terrebonne Island was destroyed by hurricanes Ike and Gustav. Throughout the trip my course instructors told me that these islands were not going to be around forever. I knew that they were slowly deteriorating every year, but It never occurred to me that I would witness the extinction of any of them within my life time. For lack of a better phrase, its surreal. And that still does not even begin to do it justice. 

Over fall break the Arts Village to a trip to DC. The first thing we saw when we arrived was the National Cathedral. As I walked through the catacombs that lined the inside, I felt this feeling that I cant describe. It was a sense of unity. Togetherness. To clarify, I did not find Jesus within those walls, nor did I have any such religious experience, but it did restore my faith within humanity. 

I dont quite recall how or why, but at the start of this semester Ive took up club rugby. Id have to say its been one of the best decisions of my college career. When Im on a field, surrounded by my team mates and my coach, not much else matters. Im just focused on doing my best. Because of the support of my team mates, every practice or game I walk off that field with my head high. They are the most positive and supportive group of people that I have ever met. From the fist practice that I went to, they showed a genuine interest in me, and wanted to help me every step of the way. Ive encountered this type of compassion few times before. Im really grateful. Im glad I have them in my life. 

I started this post two days ago. Ive gradually been adding sentences. I had to let my thoughts settle. Its been a while. 

"Let it ferment and came back to my senses." 

“There are times when silence has the loudest voice”

So it's been a little bit since I last wrote anything here, and yet, I still havent a clue what to write. Things are a lot different than they were. Just because i stop writting in my blog for a while, the world does not stop spinning. Im going to make an effort to put an end to this hiatus that Ive become entangled with. 

Until I stop this hiatus and figure out what my heart wants me to write, Im gonna try something a little different. Here it goes:

.::The Basics::. 
Name: Katy
Birthdate: 05/26/89
Birthplace location: California  
Where you live now: Raleigh, NC
How many siblings do you have? 2
Are you the oldest, in the middle, or youngest? Oldest
Do you wear glasses or contacts? 20/20
Do you look like your Mom or your Dad? Dad
How tall are you? 5'7"
Would you change your height if you could? If yes...taller or shorter? Im good where I am
What color is your hair? Brown with red streaks
Have you ever dyed it? Yes
Put highlights in it? Red, pink, and blue 
What grade will you be going into? I am a sophomore
Are you excited? Sure

.::Step 2: Your Home::. 
How long have you lived in the house you're living in? This is my second year in Turlington
Do you like it there? I love it
Do you have a lot of trees by your house? There are trees everywhere
When you look out at your backyard, what do you see?  Pic nick tables
How many floors/stories are in your house?  3
Do you have a basement? If so, is it finished?  Yes
In your basement, do you have a pool table, ping-pong table, etc?  Ping pong table, big tv, couches, kitchen
How many rooms are in your house? Too many to count 
Do you like your bedroom? Yes
Describe your room: It suits me.
What color is the carpet in your room? Hard wood floors
Do you have your own bathroom or do you have to share one? Share
How many bathrooms are in your house? 7
What is across the hall from your room?  Erin and Chelsea's room
Do you have a TV or a computer in your room? computer, yes. tv, no.

.::Step 3: Your Job::. 
Do you even have a job? I have 3
What is it?  Rite aid, Bluehat, and SL Studio
How long does it usually take you to get to work? It varries
Do you like your job? I love studio
Do you like the people you work with? Yes
Do you work inside or outside? Both
Do you wish you could change your job? No
How long have you been working at this job? Rite aid, 3 years. SL, 6 months. Bluehat, 5 months.
Do you have to wear a uniform or certain attire?  A polo.
If it rains, does it affect your job?  No
How many hours do you usually work in a week? It varries 
Do you like how much you get paid or do you wish you got more? I could always use more.
Does your best friend work at the same job as you? He used to. lol
Is your job a summer job or do you work all year?  It varries
How would rate your job from 1-10 (with 10 being you love it) Studio is a 10. Rite aid sucks. 

.::Step 4: Your Hobbies/Activities/Favorites::. 
What's your favorite sport to play? to watch? I love watching basketball and football. Im just now getting into playing rugby
Do you collect anything? Coins
Do you prefer to watch TV or watch a movie? Both
What's your favorite TV show? The office, Prison break
Favorite movie? across the universe
What's your favorite kind of music to listen to? Alternative
Have you ever been to a concert? Many
Who's your favorite band/artist?  Death Cab for Cutie
Have you been to their concert? Not yet.
Do you have an iPod?  I have 2
What's your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Play in the rain
Do you like to read? Not really
What's your favorite sports team? NCSU!
Have you been to a professional sports game in the last 2 months? Negative

.::Step 5: Your Future::. 
What will you be doing 2 weeks from now? School crap 
What about 2 months from now? More school crap
2 years? Even more school crap
Where are you going to college? NCSU  
What will you be majoring in? Communication Media  
What job are you hoping to get when you get out of college? Something media and sports related
Where will you be spending your next birthday? How old will you be turning? 20!
When's a good age to retire? What do you want to do once you're retired? Just chill.

“Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.”

I have stumbled upon the mathematical formula for anti-gravity. Its so obvious that the solution has been able to evade the human race for eons. 

Its proven fact that cats always land on their feet when dropped form a substantial distance. It is also proven fact that buttered toast always lands butter-side down when dropped. Thus, if a piece of buttered toast were adhered to the back of a cat, and then dropped from the roof of a building, then the cat/toast contraption would be unable to fall, due to the fact the the opposite sides could not breach the comfort of the floor at the same second. The cat/toast apparatus would then have no where to go, thus spinning mid air without the ability to fall. 

Its simple math:

cat + toast = anti-gravity