“Defer no time, delays have dangerous ends.”

Its been so long since I sat down and composed a blog entry. In reality it has only been about a week, but it feels like ages. Where does the time go? I know Ive spent the vast majority of it working, yet I feel like in these moments Im losing a part of myself. Like I havent taken the time to listen to my soul and translate those feelings on to this website. And because this laps of time has occurred, I feel like I dont know myself as well as I did when I would ritually sit down everyday to create a new entry. It seems like yesterday that I graduated from high school, yet its been close to a year since. Recently I have caught myself thinking about my childhood, aiming to pinpoint the earliest memory that I possess. And in doing so, relate that moment to who I am now. To the person I have become. I have discovered that although time keeps rolling, human beings travel through life in a linear fashion. That life lessons merely add on to what one may already know, and further shape his or her being. I may not be the same person that I was 19 years ago, but I most certainly see how I became the person I am today. 

As Gary would say, "laissez le bon ton roulement!"

So heres the video. Im sorry for those of you who's statements were not included. my computer did something really weird ad deleted them. Im still not exactly sure what happened.

Day Ten: Trip Home, Boone,

Official travel time: 9:12 AM - 2:28 AM

I am past the point of delirium to say much of anything. So yeah, thats it. I miss Louisiana. 

"You know what I just released? We havent heard a train all week. Strange." 

~ Toby

Day Nine: LUMCON

**Due to unforseen circumstances and various levels of stupor, this entry was not posted until now. It was composed on Friday, May 23, 2008. The time of the composition was not recorded.**

The world is a much smaller place than perception would lead one to believe. As human beings, we all have something in common. Be that common ground our background, skills, likes, or even dislikes, we all have some sort of connection with each other. With the proper nurturing, that connection can grow and cross bridges never imagined. Without it, those same connections seem to dissipate, to fall to ruin before coherence kicks in.  I must admit, I have thrown away more than my fair share of friendships, however, I feel that everything I have done is for the better. I may not be proud of the way that I have carried out some of these actions, but I will stand by my decisions.

People have the opportunity to meet new faces every day. Throughout this past week, I met about 20. Ive come to realize that strangers bring out the best in me. These people have taught me things about myself, better yet life, that I never would have discovered on my own. Im walking away from this experience wiser, stronger, and more aware of the world and my place in it. Im walking away from this experience with great friendships; Friendships i now cant imagine my life without. Im walking away from this experience with a more intuitive, understanding, and otherwise strong relationship with my best friend. Louisiana has given me more than I ever could have imagined. It is going to take every last muscle in my body to get in the van tomorrow. I dont want to leave.

As a team, the CLP ’08 group managed to connect, and create something more beautiful than most things I have had the opportunity to see. The display of raw emotions and world views expressed in our exhibit allowed each photograph to jump from the page and grip the viewer. The accompaniment of other art medias and tastefully collected treasures added even more passion to the display. This course brought us together, for what ever reason. We all came here searching for something. What ever aspect that may have been, I feel strongly that we found it within the boundaries of Louisiana. 

Day Eight: Louisiana, Last Island

Go ahead and add chiggers and fire ants to the list of my sustained injuries. There are not many elements this region has neglected to throw my way. 

We have just started our dark room work. Having been absent from a dark room for 6 years, I was worried of the possibility that I may not remember proper procedures. Much to my surprise, the moment I set foot in that dark room, A switch flipped and it was like those idle 6 years never existed. Yet, I had forgotten the excitement that follows a print soaking in developer. It is a magical moment to squint through the dark and watch your print come to life right before you eyes. Its a feeling that everyone should have the opportunity to experience, yet few do. The digital realm may yield quicker results, but film offers a magical experience, a rush of endorphins, that can only be comparable to Disney movies, in my mind at least. 

Today marked our last day of field trips and boat rides. We will spend tomorrow printing for the show. I am very proud of the prints I have to contribute to the LUMCON permanent collection. 

Over the course of the week I have felt more comfortable here, that I do at my own house some times. The area is beautiful. The people are genuine. My heart will forever hold a piece of each and every one of them. When the time comes, its going to take every once of my energy to rip myself away from Cocodrie, Louisiana. 

Day Seven: Louisiana, LUMCON

It is amazing how tired the human body can be, yet maintain a certain desirable level of perseverance. CLP group spent yesterday traveling across the Louisiana coast throughout the day and fish printing by night. It is a strenuous ordeal to be in the heat of the day for lengthly amounts of time. I managed to get in bed around 11:30ish. This morning the majority of us woke up a little after 5 AM in order to catch the sunrise, which entailed getting in and out of a boat and walking the shore of an island. After which, we began our travels back to the main campus, throughout which we took some minor pit stops along the way. After all of these previously mentioned events, I am physically spent. However, I cant bring myself to lay down to rest. I am far too excited for what may come within these nest few moments. 

Throughout my tired stupor, I stood on the balcony looking out across the landscape. In that split moment, I had a vision. I want to capture an image that goes in and out of focus, independent of aperture settings that spans across a single depth of field value. To my knowledge, there is no way to manipulate my N80 to preform and yield my desired results. The only solution I can develop, is a camera that has multiple lenses. Perhaps I should construct a pinhole camera with multiple, strategically placed pinholes. 

Hopefully this contains some sort of logical sense and is not a mere illusion provoked by my fatigue. There is only on way to find out. Go big or go home. Im not about to turn around now. 

Day Six: Louisiana, Grand Terre

**Disclaimer: This post was composed on Tuesday May 20, 2008 at 10:34 PM, however, due to the internet restrictions of the second LUMCON facility, I was unable to post until now.**

They say that a solid pair of shoes will take you far in life. Over the past 48 hours I have put my Converse All Star high tops to the test. Together we have walked, trudged, and scaled across the Louisiana coast. Ive been knee deep in mud, paving my way thought dense plant life, and stuck between rocks larger than myself. Out here, dependable shoes become your second best friend. Without them, you may fall victim to injury or find your self stranded. Neither are advisable. 

Lucky enough for me, Im venturing across these islands with both my All Stars, and my best friend. I am more sunburned, mosquito bitten, and otherwise scratched up than I have ever been, and yet, this may possibly be the happiest moment of my life. 

Fearless is as fearless does. 

Images coming soon. 

Day Five: Louisiana, Timbalier and Wine Islands

Today, by multiple individuals, I was called 'fearless.' However flattering this may be, or seem to be, this is not the case. I may very well be one of the biggest cowards at times. Although I may have moments were I come across as courageous, I am still human, just like everyone else. 

That being said, today when I got off the boat docked on the shore of Timbalier Island at 9:00 AM, I decided to turn over a new leaf, at least for the time being. This trip has the potential to be the most eye opening and beautiful experience that I have ever had, and I am not going to let one moment pass by with regret. May that mean jumping off a boat, scaling rocks, mounting the front end of a boat, walking through miles of flocks of birds, holding yabies, or wading through waist deep mashes, Ive decided that I am going to go for it. No questions asked. Im going to live in the now and not worry about what dangers could await me or what opinions people may form. Sure, its not the safest approach, and I have already sustained many injuries in doing so, but I cant let that stand in my way. 

During my time here, I am fearless. 

Day Four: Louisiana

Weather is not the only thing that people fail to disassociate. In every area we have been throughout this trip, our group has stuck out like a sore thumb, especially since we have traveled South, deeper into the Bible Belt. I enjoy observing the locals give us weird looks filled with confusion, distrust, and ignorance. The fact that our presence throws them off that much further proves that people have a hard time thinking outside his or her little community. Its things like this that make me wonder; If we, as the United States of America, cant even fully accept and support each each other, how on earth are we as a planet supposed to work towards something like world peace? It just seems like a lost cause if everyone wants to so closed up to the idea of diversity. 

We drove through New Orleans this afternoon. Surprising enough, the area is still plagued by the damage of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. I feel like the rest of the world, myself included, had assumed the issues had been resolved due to the lack of media coverage. This is not the case. Shopping centers, churches, homes, and even schools still remain in dire straights. The van ride was silent for the twenty minutes we passed through. And two words linger in my mind from that experience, "Cypress Grove," The name of the cemetery that is the home of many of the disasters victims. 

On a much lighter note, the area where we are staying is gorgeous. The following is an image from my balcony:

Day Three: Alabama

**Disclaimer: This entry was composed at 6:38 AM on Sunday May 18, 2008. However, due to the restrictions of “primitive camping” I was unable to post it until now.**

Its amazing to think about all the things you can learn about yourself when surrounded for extensive amounts of time by complete strangers. Instances such as these allow your soul to separate from your body and take a step back. In that instant you have the ability to absorb knowledge that would have otherwise gone unseen. Under these circumstances your senses are heightened, your perception is pin-point on target, a feat that many people will aspire to, yet never attain. 

Im privileged to have had the opportunity see myself through unbiased eyes. Every surface, corner, and crevasse has been analyzed. Im noticing and finally understanding my faults for the first time. Im beginning to recognize who I am rather than who others think I am. My life is about me, and what I make of it. Not for someone else to decide. 

At dinner last night I began my friendship with one of the individuals I met yesterday. He was talking about how he sold his house, in exchange for a trailer, in order to become closer to the Earth. He explained that he took everything out of the trailer in order to sleep on the floor, and consequently has not been happier. Ever. I cant even put into words the thoughts that were going through my head at that dinner table. At first I could not even comprehend why anyone would put him or her self in that situation willingly. And then everything clicked. This man is so in touch with himself, with his soul, that he needs nothing extra. All material possessions just began to get in his way, Limiting his creativity, affecting his art, decreasing his productivity. And it amazes me that he was able to see that and also take action to correct it. I am astonished.

Hopefully one day I am able to have a similar revelation. To be able to understand what is holding me back, and adjust that area of my life. But until that instance, Im going to make due with what I have, with what I know.

Day Two: Boone

Firstly I'd like to say that I am so proud to be from California. It's about time that someone got some sense and is willing to work towards ending hundreds of years of prejudice. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a revolution. One can only hope. And dream. 

As for today, we made the trek to Boone safely. I swear that car ride gets shorter and shorter each time I make it. It's interesting to watch the weather drastically change over the course of three hours. People tend to only think of themselves in their own community and often times have a hard time thinking outside that zone. Like, life is the same everywhere at one instance in time. I must shamefully admit, that I too have been that naive throughout my life. More than I would like to think about. Its amazing how selfish and trivial people can be, thinking that there is no other life outside his or her own. And it's funny how a simple drive from Raleigh to Boone can put all of that in to perspective. 

Tomorrow we continue our journey. One step closer to what could possibly be the best week of my life. I cant think of many things better than spending my every waking moment with my camera, not having to worry about anything else. Period. 

Day One: Uncle Timmy's House

Its one of the greatest feelings in the word to know that in a few short hours, Im going to get away from Wake County. Away from this town. Away from these people. I cant wait to get away. 

In a few hours we're going to drive to Boone, and officially begin our trip. For me, that moment can not come soon enough. 

“In Cyberspace, the First Amendment is a local ordinance.”

If a tree falls in the forest, no matter who is or isnt within an earshot, that tree still most definitely makes a sound. Unless of course that fallen tree exists in a universe built upon a soundless vortex. That, is an entirely different story. As is the same with other instances of life. Trees were, are, and will continue to be metaphorical symbols for all aspects of life. 

Similar to people, they undergo life cycles. They grow, age, and mature, until ultimately they die. And throughout their lives and deaths, trees poses the outstanding ab ility to adapt to the circumstances of life. They are able to sustain other life. They provide for the community. Food. Materials. Shelter. Medicines. So much is often over looked when viewing a tree. Its significance is masked by the trivial insecurities of life. Such a shame.

“More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginnings of all wars.”

Lets start over. From the beginning. No, seriously. Square one. 

You need not ask this time. This is directed at you. Yes, you. 

“We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.”

Ive racked my brain trying to figure out if your conscious of the fact that your actions have severe consequences. You have managed to single handedly isolate individuals, making each and every one of us feel about ten inches tall. Are your proud of that? Was that your intention? Do you even care any more?  

It feels kind of pointless now. Do what you will. Youve made it clear that you dont value my opinion anyways. Just know that I will always be here. Right here. 

Im going away for a week. Maybe Ill come home and things will be different. Although its never worked before, one can only hope. 

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

Today has been unlike most other days that I have ever encountered. Id just like to say that I expected more from you. 

After which, I cleaned my room. During that process, I stumbled upon a bunch of things I had written my Freshman and Sophomore years in high school. The following are a few choice excerpts. Enjoy.

"He bore a childish smirk on his face as he stood leaning on the end of his rifle for support. His face was covered with filth. Even the 'whites' of his eyes appeared black. 'The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his,' he said as he stared off over the horizon. He often thought of himself as clever, quoting self proclaimed wise men like that."

Sophomore Year

"Life as we know it has already begun to change. The world has been wiped of its innocence, leaving no traces of its existence behind."

January 2005

"I worship the quicksand you walk in."

Freshman Year

"Beside brown eyes and under dark skies we wait out the annihilation."

Sophomore Year

"From the depths of a mirror, a corpse gazed back at me. This is the aftershock of my mistakes."

Sophomore Year

"Listen to the color of your dreams."

Sophomore Year

"Welcome to the real world. Welcome to the threshold of twisted truths where your every move is plagued by sub conscience insecurities that pick and pry at the vindications of your youth."

Sophomore Year

"Rattle the silence. Your words reek of destruction. Slamming against me." 

Sophomore Year

"I am the shadow cast by your memory."

Freshman Year

Most of which are terrible, I know. You need not remind me. However, today they brought me peace. Which has in turn, saved my sanity today. 

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death”

Because I just ended my first year of college and coincidentally just moved back home for the summer, there were a ton of errands for me to take care of. Upon completing those various tasks, the brakes went out on my car, while I was driving it. 

It is one of the scariest things in the world to be in control of a 2 ton vehicle that cant be stopped. In a matter of seconds my life flashed before my eyes. Most people when referencing these types of situations speak of all the people they love and accomplishments they still want to achieve. My experience was a bit different. 

Instead of thinking of all the good in my life that I didnt want to leave behind, I had visions of all the poor choices Ive made and people Ive wronged. I have come to realize that I have dished out more than my fair share of ill will. 

So to anyone reading this, if i have spoken or acted against you, at any point throughout my lifetime, you have my deepest apologies. Hence forth I am doing my best to limit the possibility of my negative actions. Im learning to keep myself in check. Hopefully my next self realization wont be a result of a misfortunate event. 

"The fact that you are even reading this gives me faith in humanity."

Im different. Theres no denying that. Im so different that you were able to notice, right off the bat. And youre also different. Theres no hiding from that either. We both saw that coming. But yet, even through our differences, I still feel like you know me better than I know myself. 

I guess some things just dont change. But Im not complaining, Im embracing. To be completely honest, I couldnt be happier. Its been so long since Ive have a conversation where I felt that the other communicator could reciprocate my feelings. 

I needed that. Thank you. 

Thanks for listening. Thanks for helping me become who I am.

“Official truths are often powerful illusions”

This morning when I awoke in our barren dorm room, I felt a calling to the window. A midst my half-awake stupor, I stumbled to the window to look out across the courtyard. Much to my disbelief, I saw you laying there, basking in the sun, wearing your green Of Montreal shit and dark sweatpants that are 2 sizes too large. I ran to 305 to share my visions. By the time I returned to our window, you were gone. 

And now Im questioning wether I actually saw you or not in the first place. 

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”

Today marks the last day of my freshman year.

Its a difficult thing to watch some of your friends leave and go back to their previous lives, or to be the individual leaving others. I grew with these people. We learned lessons together. Even now as i type Im watching a dear friend scrub and vacuum away he dirt remnants of a no longer existent friendship. At the end of the day this room will be empty, like we had never been here to begin with.

Over the course of this year, we have spent most of our daily lives together, and to have that all change, over the course of one day, is heartbreaking. I feel that summer may be a challenging thing for all of us, however I hope that we pick up where we left off when we return in the fall. For those of you not returning to Turlington the following year, my best goes out to you. May you be successful in all your endevours. Each of you will always have a special place in my heart. To those of you returning, I must say, that I cannot wait. This is my second family. This is my second home. I cant wait to return in the fall.