“Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity”

Im laying in my bed watching television with my sister, and as I flip through the channels, I can hear a chorus of sirens screaming outside my window. I listened as the noise trailed off into the distance and imagined the unfortunate events that wait on the other side. No one should have to start of their christmas with fire trucks and ambulances. No one. 

Merry Christmas everybody. 

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”

Im sad to announce that my streak as a homeless couch hopper has ended. I have since returned back to my parents house where my every move is monitored and I am judged for practically every aspect of my being, thus reminding me why I chose to be homeless in the first place. The criticism began within five minutes of me walking in the front door. Ive come to accept that I will never be the perfect child that my parents desire nor will I ever fit in to their preferred mold. I like who I am. I like the direction that Im heading in. One day I hope they can look past the surface level judgements and see it to. 

Maybe one day. 

“Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. Remember this when you find yourself at the beginning."

Okay, so Ive spent the past week and a half homeless, but Im using the term rather loosely. No, I havent been camped out in a cardboard box on the side of the road, but i havent slept in a bed that I can call my own. The dorms closed last week, and I refuse to return to my parent's house because we dont always see eye to eye, and I would rather just avoid conflict all together. So, in order to preserve my sanity, Ive been staying with a few of my team mates, whom are gracious enough to let me intrude their space. If youre one of them, and youre reading this, thank you. It means a lot to me to know that your willing to help me out, even though you dont necessarily have any obligation to.

I digress.

In this past week and a half, Ive learned a lot about myself, and my life in general. Im starting the new year knowing what my limits are and I am beginning to realize the person that I aspire to be. I know exactly what I want, and what its going to take to get there. Ive set goals, and will settle for nothing short of perfect. Ive made too many sacrifices before, and that trend dies tonight. Im laying the shattered remnants of yesterday to rest, and focusing on nursing tomorrow. I know who will stand by my side throughout this process, and I know who not to trust to see this transformation through.

I digress.

This is a journey that I feel like I need to take. If not, I dont think that I will ever be at peace with myself. In doing all of this, I realise that I have neglected some of my friends back home. Im sorry if Ive been a little distant or out of reach, but Ive got some unsettled business to handle here in Raleigh. Ive always tried to go above and beyond the call of duty to help those that I care about, and right now, I know of someone who could use a little direction, a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on. I know Im not the only person equipped to do the job, and that even if I were to remove myself from the equation she would find a way to deal, but I cant bring myself to walk away. Its just a rough situation, and right now, I kind of feel like she's handling it in a negative, deconstructive manner. She has so much going for her; a captivating personality, endless compassion, and looks that could turn heads and drop jaws. I wish she would recognize her potential and refuse to settle for less. I wish she would set the petty bull shit aside and set herself first. All it takes is a level head. I know youve got one, so why not act like it? Dont get me worng, as your friend I want nothing but the best for you, and Ill stand by your side through thick and thin, but dont get careless, because that's when life starts to lose it's sparkle. Trust me, Ive been there.

I digress.

The dark settles and a new day dawns. We all have some growing to do. This could be the beginning of something entirely new. Something pulsing with youth that refreshes us all.

"Im posted up in the top spot."

There's no denying that I have a wild temper, but ever since I turned my life around, Ive been able to keep it on lock down. Thats 4 years of work Ive busted my ass to accomplish. In twenty seconds you tore down each and every single one of those boundaries, sending a pulsing rage throughout my entire being. I promise that if I catch you running your mouth about me or any one I care about again, the duration of time you continue to speak will be short lived. How dare you blaitently and purposely lie behind my back. What gives you the right to play god in a situation you dont even belong in? Get off your high horse and meet me on a level playing field. I would demolish your entire persona in a matter of seconds. Accept it.

"Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations."

Every so often, I let my brain get the better of me. An instance sparks a thought, which leads to a speculation, which turns into an assumption, that ultimately ends up being bad news. I want more than anything to believe that some good, no matter how miniature it may be, lies within the depths of every human being. I want to believe that when push comes to shove, I know who I can count on to lift me up when I fall. 

There was a time when I knew, or rather, thought that I did. Oh, to be young and naive. But that has since been tainted with the transgressions of tomorrow. 

People, although dissimilar in stature, are all influenced by an identical nature; A nature that embodies selfish needs and superficial wants. 

I respect and trust you more than the majority of  people currently in my life. You make me feel safe. There's nothing that I wouldnt do to protect that. I dont mean to doubt you or your sincerity, but my instincts scare me. People scare me. 

Prove me wrong. 

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

Wow. My last post was in October. The past few months blogging has been the last thing on my mind. Between recovering from my leg injury, finishing up the rugby season, classes, and trying to maintain some form of a social life Ive had little time for myself. Im gonna try to be better about that. I just get so wrapped up with things and helping other people, that I just kind of lose myself. 

To recap the growth of these months Ive spent on hiatus, I feel marvelous. As a matter of fact, I dont remember the last time I felt this good. Ive developed a friendship that I foresee lasting a long time. We just get along so well, our brains just seem to click. Theres really no other explanation for it. Because of it, I feel so renewed. I dont trust people easily, but she is just so genuine, almost to a fault. Through all of my stupid little trivial issues. when all I wanted to do was wallow in self pity, she wouldnt allow it. When everyone either didnt know what to say or said what I wanted to hear, she showed me honesty. 

Thank you. It means more to me than you will ever know.