“Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity”

Im laying in my bed watching television with my sister, and as I flip through the channels, I can hear a chorus of sirens screaming outside my window. I listened as the noise trailed off into the distance and imagined the unfortunate events that wait on the other side. No one should have to start of their christmas with fire trucks and ambulances. No one. 

Merry Christmas everybody. 

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”

Im sad to announce that my streak as a homeless couch hopper has ended. I have since returned back to my parents house where my every move is monitored and I am judged for practically every aspect of my being, thus reminding me why I chose to be homeless in the first place. The criticism began within five minutes of me walking in the front door. Ive come to accept that I will never be the perfect child that my parents desire nor will I ever fit in to their preferred mold. I like who I am. I like the direction that Im heading in. One day I hope they can look past the surface level judgements and see it to. 

Maybe one day. 

“Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. Remember this when you find yourself at the beginning."

Okay, so Ive spent the past week and a half homeless, but Im using the term rather loosely. No, I havent been camped out in a cardboard box on the side of the road, but i havent slept in a bed that I can call my own. The dorms closed last week, and I refuse to return to my parent's house because we dont always see eye to eye, and I would rather just avoid conflict all together. So, in order to preserve my sanity, Ive been staying with a few of my team mates, whom are gracious enough to let me intrude their space. If youre one of them, and youre reading this, thank you. It means a lot to me to know that your willing to help me out, even though you dont necessarily have any obligation to.

I digress.

In this past week and a half, Ive learned a lot about myself, and my life in general. Im starting the new year knowing what my limits are and I am beginning to realize the person that I aspire to be. I know exactly what I want, and what its going to take to get there. Ive set goals, and will settle for nothing short of perfect. Ive made too many sacrifices before, and that trend dies tonight. Im laying the shattered remnants of yesterday to rest, and focusing on nursing tomorrow. I know who will stand by my side throughout this process, and I know who not to trust to see this transformation through.

I digress.

This is a journey that I feel like I need to take. If not, I dont think that I will ever be at peace with myself. In doing all of this, I realise that I have neglected some of my friends back home. Im sorry if Ive been a little distant or out of reach, but Ive got some unsettled business to handle here in Raleigh. Ive always tried to go above and beyond the call of duty to help those that I care about, and right now, I know of someone who could use a little direction, a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on. I know Im not the only person equipped to do the job, and that even if I were to remove myself from the equation she would find a way to deal, but I cant bring myself to walk away. Its just a rough situation, and right now, I kind of feel like she's handling it in a negative, deconstructive manner. She has so much going for her; a captivating personality, endless compassion, and looks that could turn heads and drop jaws. I wish she would recognize her potential and refuse to settle for less. I wish she would set the petty bull shit aside and set herself first. All it takes is a level head. I know youve got one, so why not act like it? Dont get me worng, as your friend I want nothing but the best for you, and Ill stand by your side through thick and thin, but dont get careless, because that's when life starts to lose it's sparkle. Trust me, Ive been there.

I digress.

The dark settles and a new day dawns. We all have some growing to do. This could be the beginning of something entirely new. Something pulsing with youth that refreshes us all.

"Im posted up in the top spot."

There's no denying that I have a wild temper, but ever since I turned my life around, Ive been able to keep it on lock down. Thats 4 years of work Ive busted my ass to accomplish. In twenty seconds you tore down each and every single one of those boundaries, sending a pulsing rage throughout my entire being. I promise that if I catch you running your mouth about me or any one I care about again, the duration of time you continue to speak will be short lived. How dare you blaitently and purposely lie behind my back. What gives you the right to play god in a situation you dont even belong in? Get off your high horse and meet me on a level playing field. I would demolish your entire persona in a matter of seconds. Accept it.

"Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations."

Every so often, I let my brain get the better of me. An instance sparks a thought, which leads to a speculation, which turns into an assumption, that ultimately ends up being bad news. I want more than anything to believe that some good, no matter how miniature it may be, lies within the depths of every human being. I want to believe that when push comes to shove, I know who I can count on to lift me up when I fall. 

There was a time when I knew, or rather, thought that I did. Oh, to be young and naive. But that has since been tainted with the transgressions of tomorrow. 

People, although dissimilar in stature, are all influenced by an identical nature; A nature that embodies selfish needs and superficial wants. 

I respect and trust you more than the majority of  people currently in my life. You make me feel safe. There's nothing that I wouldnt do to protect that. I dont mean to doubt you or your sincerity, but my instincts scare me. People scare me. 

Prove me wrong. 

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

Wow. My last post was in October. The past few months blogging has been the last thing on my mind. Between recovering from my leg injury, finishing up the rugby season, classes, and trying to maintain some form of a social life Ive had little time for myself. Im gonna try to be better about that. I just get so wrapped up with things and helping other people, that I just kind of lose myself. 

To recap the growth of these months Ive spent on hiatus, I feel marvelous. As a matter of fact, I dont remember the last time I felt this good. Ive developed a friendship that I foresee lasting a long time. We just get along so well, our brains just seem to click. Theres really no other explanation for it. Because of it, I feel so renewed. I dont trust people easily, but she is just so genuine, almost to a fault. Through all of my stupid little trivial issues. when all I wanted to do was wallow in self pity, she wouldnt allow it. When everyone either didnt know what to say or said what I wanted to hear, she showed me honesty. 

Thank you. It means more to me than you will ever know.

“He divines remedies against injuries; he knows how to turn serious accidents to his own advantage; whatever does not kill him makes him stronger”

I dont know why, but this class, my only 8:00am class, inspires me to write. I feel as though Im 'cheating' myself if I walk away from this classroom without having constructed some form of grammatically correct arrangement of words. 

This stage of my life, needs to draw some sort of conclusion soon. I have never before been this frustrated with myself. The containment associated with this injury and surrounded by this brace has caused my mind to go into overdrive. Essentially, I feel like it will spin out of control soon. I want to run. I want to roll over in the middle of the night with out a sharp pain shooting up my leg. I want the be able to stand in the shower for more than 5 minutes without feeling like Im going to fall over. I want to jump. I want to play with my teammates and my hallmates. I want to be able to keep up with my friends. 

For the first time in my life, I want to be like everyone else. 

Im tired of people taking pity on my injury. Im tired of everyone underestimating what I still maintain the ability to do. Im tired of being treated differently. Keep your sympathy. Show me honesty. Show me something real. 

I just want things to go back to the way that they were. 

At practice last night, I watched the team run drills and practice plays. I have never in my entire life wanted to run fitness drills as bad as I do now. Im envious, for lack of a better term. I want to be out there with them. I dont want to watch from the sidelines anymore. 

Its only been 8 days. 

"Pain is temporary. Pride is forever."

Twenty nine days. Its been twenty nine says since my last post. Where does the time go? I feel like it hasnt been that long since I sat here with the white monitor glow shining on my face as I typed out my thoughts. I guess I was wrong. Ill admit my mistake. Actually, thats something that Ive been doing quite frequently as of late. I dont exactly know what's going on in my little world, but I know that Im different, and that Im continuing to change. It has yet to be determined wether this change is for better or for worse. I have friends that could argue for and against both sides of the argument, but alas, I am caught in the crossfire. I just dont know what to do with myself. Currently Im just watching as things happen, and playing it by ear, although, I dont know how long I will be able to do that. Im deathly afraid of letting people down. Im afraid of disappointment. I wish I could please all of the people, all of the time. But I cant. Im only human. 

I found out over the past few weeks what its like to have walked in a place that does not exist. One of the islands in the Louisiana Gulf Coast that I visited over the summer has vanished. Terrebonne Island was destroyed by hurricanes Ike and Gustav. Throughout the trip my course instructors told me that these islands were not going to be around forever. I knew that they were slowly deteriorating every year, but It never occurred to me that I would witness the extinction of any of them within my life time. For lack of a better phrase, its surreal. And that still does not even begin to do it justice. 

Over fall break the Arts Village to a trip to DC. The first thing we saw when we arrived was the National Cathedral. As I walked through the catacombs that lined the inside, I felt this feeling that I cant describe. It was a sense of unity. Togetherness. To clarify, I did not find Jesus within those walls, nor did I have any such religious experience, but it did restore my faith within humanity. 

I dont quite recall how or why, but at the start of this semester Ive took up club rugby. Id have to say its been one of the best decisions of my college career. When Im on a field, surrounded by my team mates and my coach, not much else matters. Im just focused on doing my best. Because of the support of my team mates, every practice or game I walk off that field with my head high. They are the most positive and supportive group of people that I have ever met. From the fist practice that I went to, they showed a genuine interest in me, and wanted to help me every step of the way. Ive encountered this type of compassion few times before. Im really grateful. Im glad I have them in my life. 

I started this post two days ago. Ive gradually been adding sentences. I had to let my thoughts settle. Its been a while. 

"Let it ferment and came back to my senses." 

“There are times when silence has the loudest voice”

So it's been a little bit since I last wrote anything here, and yet, I still havent a clue what to write. Things are a lot different than they were. Just because i stop writting in my blog for a while, the world does not stop spinning. Im going to make an effort to put an end to this hiatus that Ive become entangled with. 

Until I stop this hiatus and figure out what my heart wants me to write, Im gonna try something a little different. Here it goes:

.::The Basics::. 
Name: Katy
Birthdate: 05/26/89
Birthplace location: California  
Where you live now: Raleigh, NC
How many siblings do you have? 2
Are you the oldest, in the middle, or youngest? Oldest
Do you wear glasses or contacts? 20/20
Do you look like your Mom or your Dad? Dad
How tall are you? 5'7"
Would you change your height if you could? If yes...taller or shorter? Im good where I am
What color is your hair? Brown with red streaks
Have you ever dyed it? Yes
Put highlights in it? Red, pink, and blue 
What grade will you be going into? I am a sophomore
Are you excited? Sure

.::Step 2: Your Home::. 
How long have you lived in the house you're living in? This is my second year in Turlington
Do you like it there? I love it
Do you have a lot of trees by your house? There are trees everywhere
When you look out at your backyard, what do you see?  Pic nick tables
How many floors/stories are in your house?  3
Do you have a basement? If so, is it finished?  Yes
In your basement, do you have a pool table, ping-pong table, etc?  Ping pong table, big tv, couches, kitchen
How many rooms are in your house? Too many to count 
Do you like your bedroom? Yes
Describe your room: It suits me.
What color is the carpet in your room? Hard wood floors
Do you have your own bathroom or do you have to share one? Share
How many bathrooms are in your house? 7
What is across the hall from your room?  Erin and Chelsea's room
Do you have a TV or a computer in your room? computer, yes. tv, no.

.::Step 3: Your Job::. 
Do you even have a job? I have 3
What is it?  Rite aid, Bluehat, and SL Studio
How long does it usually take you to get to work? It varries
Do you like your job? I love studio
Do you like the people you work with? Yes
Do you work inside or outside? Both
Do you wish you could change your job? No
How long have you been working at this job? Rite aid, 3 years. SL, 6 months. Bluehat, 5 months.
Do you have to wear a uniform or certain attire?  A polo.
If it rains, does it affect your job?  No
How many hours do you usually work in a week? It varries 
Do you like how much you get paid or do you wish you got more? I could always use more.
Does your best friend work at the same job as you? He used to. lol
Is your job a summer job or do you work all year?  It varries
How would rate your job from 1-10 (with 10 being you love it) Studio is a 10. Rite aid sucks. 

.::Step 4: Your Hobbies/Activities/Favorites::. 
What's your favorite sport to play? to watch? I love watching basketball and football. Im just now getting into playing rugby
Do you collect anything? Coins
Do you prefer to watch TV or watch a movie? Both
What's your favorite TV show? The office, Prison break
Favorite movie? across the universe
What's your favorite kind of music to listen to? Alternative
Have you ever been to a concert? Many
Who's your favorite band/artist?  Death Cab for Cutie
Have you been to their concert? Not yet.
Do you have an iPod?  I have 2
What's your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Play in the rain
Do you like to read? Not really
What's your favorite sports team? NCSU!
Have you been to a professional sports game in the last 2 months? Negative

.::Step 5: Your Future::. 
What will you be doing 2 weeks from now? School crap 
What about 2 months from now? More school crap
2 years? Even more school crap
Where are you going to college? NCSU  
What will you be majoring in? Communication Media  
What job are you hoping to get when you get out of college? Something media and sports related
Where will you be spending your next birthday? How old will you be turning? 20!
When's a good age to retire? What do you want to do once you're retired? Just chill.

“Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.”

I have stumbled upon the mathematical formula for anti-gravity. Its so obvious that the solution has been able to evade the human race for eons. 

Its proven fact that cats always land on their feet when dropped form a substantial distance. It is also proven fact that buttered toast always lands butter-side down when dropped. Thus, if a piece of buttered toast were adhered to the back of a cat, and then dropped from the roof of a building, then the cat/toast contraption would be unable to fall, due to the fact the the opposite sides could not breach the comfort of the floor at the same second. The cat/toast apparatus would then have no where to go, thus spinning mid air without the ability to fall. 

Its simple math:

cat + toast = anti-gravity

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

A good friend of mine mentioned earlier in general conversation, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." That started to get me thinking, and reflecting for that matter. Ive done a lot this summer. Ive traveled to areas I had not been to prior, saw things I may never have the chance to again, experienced emotions and situations unfamiliar to me, and most importantly I learned something new everyday. I have filled my summer with enough adventure and adrenaline to satisfy even the most hungry connoisseur, yet, tonight, my last night of summer, I have chosen to make one of the most tame nights that I have ever endured. Why is that? I spent my last moments on a swing, with a dear friend, and yet, I have no regrets. I wouldnt have rather opted for a social gathering. I am completely content with lightly dragging my toes beneath a swing bench as we sway ever so gentle and slice through the still air.

Im happy with how my summer turned out. 

“Whenever I happen to be in a city of any size, I marvel that riots do not break out everyday: Massacres, unspeakable carnage, a doomsday chaos."

**Disclaimer: This post was composed on Thursday January 10, 2008 as a part of my COM 498 daily journal entitled "The Insanity that is my Free Write." I recently rediscovered this composition, and deemed it post worthy material.**

I dont understand why some people claim that "all men are created equal." That statement, as it appears to me, is a proven falsehood on a daily basis. Evidence can be found in the shadows of even the smallest of places. It exists in tangible realms, such as actions or events, and even still it lingers throughout the territory of the uncertain, the human mind. People frequently look down on one another for petty reasons such as race, religion, monetary status, mental defect, family history, occupation, marital status, like, dislikes, and so on, and so forth. The list could span the circumference of the earth. It disgusts me how people are so quick to turn on one another. Although I too have been guilty of this, I am working towards making amends. I hate how we have grown to become a society based on surface value bull shit. As a country, as a community, as a brotherhood united by out forefathers and bound by the American flag we have no depth. It sickens me even more, that most of mankind does not even comprehend this. People lead selfish, blind lives that allow them to travel helplessly into and abyss; and abyss filled with arrogance, ignorance, and misconceptions lead by the cold hearted inhabitants of the United States of America. In this world that we live in, its the blind leading the blind. It always has, and will always continue to be. The world needs someone to rise up and deviate from the plan set in stone that humanity is familiar with. So many have tried before, but eventually fell, exhausted at the foot of insanity. A leader must rise up above the corruption, and shock those who have felt so safe an secure within these falsehoods. He or she must throw the entire world off its axis. We must break free from the chains that bind us, the gags that muffle our speech, and the veil that clouds our cognitive functions. We are not independent thinkers, but mindless drones kept alive for the sole purpose of fueling the fire that keeps this nonsense alive. I am tired of the deception. I am tired of constant mutiny of mankind. People must wise up and beckon change. They say "good things come to those who wait," but I can not allow myself to but faith in that any longer, not as long as people are still fighting against one another, stabbing each other's brother in the back. This is no way to live. The world is burning to the ground. The pollution from the carnage kills off those few pure souls that are left to walk to earth. One by one they fall. 

I can no longer call this place home. 

“These are days when no one should rely unduly on his competence. Strength lies in improvisation. All the decisive blows are struck left-handed.”

FACT: I cant write well, let alone preform other simple tasks, with my left hand. However, in order to make the best of an unfortunate situation Im going to force myself to try. It would be miraculous if, by the grace of some higher being, within the time span of one month I could teach my left hand to do what it took my right hand its entire life to cultivate. I aim for my left hand to develop the skills necessary to survive in the world, on its own, without the help of my right. Failure isnt exactly an option. 

“Mentor: Someone whose hindsight can become your foresight”

A few nights ago I attempted to write an entry. As time dragged on and dawn drew closer, I realized towards the end of my entry, that I had composed a thank you letter to my mentor. Initially I planned on deleting it, but instead I allowed it to remain open in the window as I browsed the internet for a bit. In that Time period, I stumbled upon this image:

After reading that, I printed my letter, signed it, sealed it, and delivered it the next day.

I really do appreciate all that you have done for me.

“Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”

Human beings are, in and of themselves, unpredictable. Once you feel like you really know someone, really connect with that individual, you let your guard down. The next instant you may be unfortunate enough to find yourself whimpering and bloody in a corner at the hand of that same individual. Or perhaps, in retrospect, spoiled and pampered. Flip a coin. The odds dont change. IIt proves to be rather difficult and pointless to attempt to tip the scales and manipulate a 50/50 split. 

Raw, natural human behavior is categorized by few words; passionate, relentless, spontaneous, and unwavering are among those few. Any combination of the previous stated words begins a recipe for destruction, which is why man kind has evolved and grown into what it is today. With the addition of honor, loyalty, respect, discipline, and responsibility, a level of equilibrium has been created a spread across coast to coast. These traits allow the foundation for higher level thinking, thus forcing growth upon man. 

However, I am sorry to say, that not everyone gets the memo. Not everyone has the opportunity, nay, the privilege to experience this growth. 

I am sorry you got left behind. I am so sorry. But regardless, you will have to grow up one day. You will have to realize that the Earth does, in fact, revolve around the sun, not you. That there is so much more to life than the small word that you have created for yourself. Not everyone lives with your constrictions. Which keeps communication between you and the rest of the world a difficult task. Wise up. 

If anything, I should be insulted, for you far underestimate me, my abilities, and my determination. In reality, the world's reality not your twisted facade, I could care less what you do or dont do. I live out 99% of my days without the thought of you even crossing my mind. Yet, you continuously find a reason to bring my name into yours. 

I hope your period of self realization and growth begins soon, for you have a long road ahead of you. 

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first”

Last night, as I laid on the couch surrounded by the swirled muffled sounds of drunken stupor, I started to question myself. Who am I? In all honesty, Im not even quite sure myself. The basics are clear, however, I want to become something more. I want people to have a reason to remember my name.  I want to rightly deserve every complement that I receive. I want the ability to be known for something more than just going to college or shooting basketball pictures. I want my more inner characteristics to shine. I want everyone to notice the building blocks that are the make up of my morals. I want the world to know who I am and what I stand for. 

Some day, Im going to make my mark. 

“Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.”

It is astonishing how much time you can spend with someone, yet know so little about them. I am ending the day knowing more about myself and some of the people in my life. We all have room to grow. 

I stumbled across a penny heads up today. I gave it to a homeless man. You make your own luck. Remember that. 

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. So long as a man is angry he cannot be in the right.”

It is only by my mercy that your heart continues to distribute blood throughout your body. It is only by my compassion that you retain the ability to draw breath. It is only by my grace that you remain in control of your cognitive brain functions. 

I have warned you not once, but countless times, to amend your actions. Each time you have disrespected me, and continued to drag others down with you. I have offered you infinite opportunities to show some form of remorse, to take full responsibility for your actions. I have given you the benefit of the doubt more times that I ever should have. I used to think that within every individual lies at least one ounce of good.  You proved me wrong. You are selfish, egotistical, naive, and ignorant. 

Ill be damned if you even so much as breath on my kid sister again. I promise that you will not make this mistake again. I am giving you one last warning. Stay away, or face the repercussions. 

For the time being I am going to leave you alone. Im not going to harass you. Im not going to threaten you. Im not going to shoot you shifty looks. Im going to simply ignore you all together. Self control is key. Its something that I have that you do not. Learn to keep your emotions in check. Learn to walk away with pride. Find some fashion of self respect. You will go a lot father in life if you do.

I pray that you heed this warning, for it you do not comply, I swear on my life that you will wish you had never been given yours. 

"Individually, we are one DROP. Together, we are an OCEAN,"

I dont know what it is about these kids that continually draws me to them. All I know, is that they never cease to amaze me. With each forth coming day they prompt me to analyze my life with a new perspective. I have never once left them feeling empty. They renew my faith within humanity. Each and everyone of them is living proof that there is good in the world. They exhibit characteristics that are capable of leaving individuals astonished, nay, dumbfounded. Aspects of their young psyche demonstrate that there is, in fact, more to teenagers than most people allow credit for. 

I am able to see a little piece of myself within each and everyone of them. From the ones whom are like my own flesh, to those I am only beginning to get to know, they teach me something new about myself; who I am, who I am becoming, who I aspire to be. 

I am proud to know each and every one of these individuals. I am even more grateful to be apart of their lives. To be there to guide them, and watch them grow. There is nothing more beautiful on this earth, than to witness the mental, emotional, and physical growths of another human being. 

I feel like I have been able to make a difference, that none other can compare to.

“Exponential growth looks like nothing is happening, and then suddenly you get this explosion at the end.”

Throughout my life time, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have encountered near death experiences. I am very fortunate for that, given the amount of risks I have taken.

Today I added another tally to the list. Three words: White Water Rafting. The first hour and a half on the river was fine. My little brother did fall out of the raft on the first course, a category two area, but he was quickly pulled back on board and spent little time in the heavy current. The remainder of the adventure was successful as well. Until our group took its last voyage. During this time, we attempted to conquer a category four course. As our raft was propelled down the drop I was flung out of the raft and into the water. My initial thought upon contact with the water was, " Wow, you're a dumb ass, get back in the raft." Moments passed. The current was too strong for me to swim back to the raft. Our instructor motioned for me to maneuver to the eddie, or low current area, but much to my dismay, I could not reach that either. Within milliseconds my body was forced down a category three waterfall. At this point I could not breathe due to water ingestion. Now I was thinking, "Shit. How am I going to make it back to the raft?" Momentarily following that thought, I saw a guide on land following me down the river. He yelled, "Swimmer! Grab the rope." He attempted to throw me a rope which could ultimately pull me to safety. I watched the end of the rope leave his grasp and sail through the air in my direction. Feet away from my position, the rope fell shot, just a few feet out of my grasp. I headed down another category three waterfall. At this time my sinuses have been completely flushed with water, I cant breathe, and Im beginning to become disoriented. I dont know how long I was under water but it felt like forever. Just when I was beginning to regain some sense of comprehension, I went down another waterfall, this time, a category four. Now I am completely drained. I remember thinking that I was going to end up on the 6 o'clock news as a kid who went to a park for recreational fun but ended up dead in a tragic, unexpected accident. I was seriously questioning whether or not I believed that I would survive. I floated down stream through more strong currents. I saw another guide on the shore. Just like the previous. he yelled, "Swimmer! Grab the rope." This guide had pin point precision with his rope toss. I grabbed a hold of the rope with the tightest grip possible. At one point in time my fingers went numb. He began to pull me to a safe zone. It took about seven minutes to get me there. He grabbed a hold of my personal flotation device around the collar and dragged me on shore.

I was alone in the harsh current for a total of 13 minutes and traveled a distance of an estimated 400 feet.

After being pulled a shore, I ran down stream back to my raft. I leaped from the shore back on board and continued my adventure. I am walking away from this experience with some memorial wounds. I re broke one of my left knuckles, bruised my tail bone and knees, as well as sustained multiple scratches and flesh wounds. I also have a better understanding of myself and what I can withstand. No matter how tired I am or how much I want to give up, I now know that I can always find a way to push myself and make it to the next level.

I wouldnt trade this experience for the world.

“You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living."

I think that one of the hardest lessons in life may possibly be learned and thrive within the confines of a person's understanding of his or her self. Up until yesterday, I thought that I knew who I was, however, I have come to a revelation; not only do I need to understand myself, but also my place in the world. I need to be able to hold and maintain a relationship with the world AND myself. 

From a very young age I have known that I possess a gift. I have an ability to understand others on higher levels. In doing so, I am able to convey messages instilled with guidance and counsel that bring others to peace with themselves. Until this stage of my life, I havent utilized this skill to its full potential. Sure, Ive helped out numerous friends, but I dont want it to end there. I want to touch the lives of others on a larger scale. I want to give back to the environment that has offered and given me so much. 

Last night I stayed up to soul search a bit, and came to the conclusion that I need to take the first step towards this goal; I need to get my life straight and priorities in line. I need to adjust aspects of my lifestyle in order to improve myself. I need to quit doing the things that are slowly harming me. I am bent on this. Im turning over a new leaf. 

This is step one. The constant struggle with my self conscience. Once I overcome my urges and organize my inhibitions, Ill move on to step two. 

There are greener pastures in my future. 

“The ladder of success must be set upon something solid before you can start to climb”

Ever since I was a small child, I have always believed that each human being has a life long companion. Not a soul mate or a lover, but a friend. Through thick and thin, through yesterday and tomorrow. 

There are not enough words in the english language to express how glad I am to know who you are. 

I must admit, within this past year alone, without you, I would have faced almost certain insanity. Im confidant enough in our relationship to charter our growth, rather than change. Im confidant enough proclaim that you will never have the opportunity to see my back. Im confidant enough to stand by your side, through thick and thin, even if that means risking the possibility of self destruction. After all, if we've made it this far, who the hell can get in the way?

"Depend on your feet, for you can climb the highest mountain."

You say that you listen to everything that I tell you, and apply it to your life on a daily basis. So if there is anything that you ever learn from me i want it to be this, because this is one of the most important things:

Everyone deserves the right to feel comfortable with other people. Dont compromise your values just to fit in with some one else.

Youve got a good head on your shoulders babe. keep it that way.
Im proud of you each and every single day.

“Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body.”

Tonight I went back to my roots. Figuratively speaking. 

After work I connected with my dad. Following that I spent the evening on North Carolina State University campus. The feeling I get when I walk across those bricks barefoot, lay on my back in the grass watching the night sky, or navigating throughout the walkways amongst the buildings ignites a flame from deep within. A flame that can not be kindled by any other source. 

Needless to say, Im ready to go home. I miss it. 

“So live that your memories will be part of your happiness”

It only takes the little things to make you realize what's lacking in your life. The subtle details, the muffled yet still audible sounds, or the daily activities that have become routine. Throughout the course of this week I have com to realize how much I don't want to spend the rest of my summer in Holly Springs. At work last week a can a saline burst in an aisle. The very instant that the salt registered within my sense of smell, for a split second I felt like I was back in Louisiana. For that moment, I relived stepping outside my dorm room in the morning to be met by soothing salty breeze. In that instant, I felt like I was a passenger on a tiny water vessel navigating down the bayou. During that time, my world stopped. Time stood still. And then the moment passed. Reality regained control of my consciousness. 

My dad and I went out for coffee Saturday morning. We stopped in Global Village. Inside was the Hillsborough Street Fiddler, accompanied by a friend on guitar. The duo played harmoniously the entire length of our visit. For a few seconds, I revisited the first week of my freshman year. I remember buying books, drinking coffee, or just hanging out on Hillsborough Street while the Fiddler composed background music. Until this Saturday, the background music of the Fiddler had gone unnoticed, by me at least. 

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Its finally set in. This is real. Youre not coming back. I shudder every time that thought crosses my mind. I have to learn to live without; To cope with someone entirely different than you. It scares me to think that I may not be able to accomplish that feat. I am terrified. 

I havent even met you yet, nor had the opportunity to exchange words, but I still feel it necessary to apologize, prior to both of those events. What you dont understand about me as of yet, is that i am a creature of habit; I am not a huge fan of change. Period. Because of this, I feel the need to prematurely apologize. Im sorry for whatever judgements I may make and stereotypes I may file you under. Please understand that these are not my intentions, but run a high risk of becoming reality all the same. 

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

Hope is a renewable resource. 

“Defer no time, delays have dangerous ends.”

Its been so long since I sat down and composed a blog entry. In reality it has only been about a week, but it feels like ages. Where does the time go? I know Ive spent the vast majority of it working, yet I feel like in these moments Im losing a part of myself. Like I havent taken the time to listen to my soul and translate those feelings on to this website. And because this laps of time has occurred, I feel like I dont know myself as well as I did when I would ritually sit down everyday to create a new entry. It seems like yesterday that I graduated from high school, yet its been close to a year since. Recently I have caught myself thinking about my childhood, aiming to pinpoint the earliest memory that I possess. And in doing so, relate that moment to who I am now. To the person I have become. I have discovered that although time keeps rolling, human beings travel through life in a linear fashion. That life lessons merely add on to what one may already know, and further shape his or her being. I may not be the same person that I was 19 years ago, but I most certainly see how I became the person I am today. 

As Gary would say, "laissez le bon ton roulement!"

So heres the video. Im sorry for those of you who's statements were not included. my computer did something really weird ad deleted them. Im still not exactly sure what happened.

Day Ten: Trip Home, Boone,

Official travel time: 9:12 AM - 2:28 AM

I am past the point of delirium to say much of anything. So yeah, thats it. I miss Louisiana. 

"You know what I just released? We havent heard a train all week. Strange." 

~ Toby

Day Nine: LUMCON

**Due to unforseen circumstances and various levels of stupor, this entry was not posted until now. It was composed on Friday, May 23, 2008. The time of the composition was not recorded.**

The world is a much smaller place than perception would lead one to believe. As human beings, we all have something in common. Be that common ground our background, skills, likes, or even dislikes, we all have some sort of connection with each other. With the proper nurturing, that connection can grow and cross bridges never imagined. Without it, those same connections seem to dissipate, to fall to ruin before coherence kicks in.  I must admit, I have thrown away more than my fair share of friendships, however, I feel that everything I have done is for the better. I may not be proud of the way that I have carried out some of these actions, but I will stand by my decisions.

People have the opportunity to meet new faces every day. Throughout this past week, I met about 20. Ive come to realize that strangers bring out the best in me. These people have taught me things about myself, better yet life, that I never would have discovered on my own. Im walking away from this experience wiser, stronger, and more aware of the world and my place in it. Im walking away from this experience with great friendships; Friendships i now cant imagine my life without. Im walking away from this experience with a more intuitive, understanding, and otherwise strong relationship with my best friend. Louisiana has given me more than I ever could have imagined. It is going to take every last muscle in my body to get in the van tomorrow. I dont want to leave.

As a team, the CLP ’08 group managed to connect, and create something more beautiful than most things I have had the opportunity to see. The display of raw emotions and world views expressed in our exhibit allowed each photograph to jump from the page and grip the viewer. The accompaniment of other art medias and tastefully collected treasures added even more passion to the display. This course brought us together, for what ever reason. We all came here searching for something. What ever aspect that may have been, I feel strongly that we found it within the boundaries of Louisiana. 

Day Eight: Louisiana, Last Island

Go ahead and add chiggers and fire ants to the list of my sustained injuries. There are not many elements this region has neglected to throw my way. 

We have just started our dark room work. Having been absent from a dark room for 6 years, I was worried of the possibility that I may not remember proper procedures. Much to my surprise, the moment I set foot in that dark room, A switch flipped and it was like those idle 6 years never existed. Yet, I had forgotten the excitement that follows a print soaking in developer. It is a magical moment to squint through the dark and watch your print come to life right before you eyes. Its a feeling that everyone should have the opportunity to experience, yet few do. The digital realm may yield quicker results, but film offers a magical experience, a rush of endorphins, that can only be comparable to Disney movies, in my mind at least. 

Today marked our last day of field trips and boat rides. We will spend tomorrow printing for the show. I am very proud of the prints I have to contribute to the LUMCON permanent collection. 

Over the course of the week I have felt more comfortable here, that I do at my own house some times. The area is beautiful. The people are genuine. My heart will forever hold a piece of each and every one of them. When the time comes, its going to take every once of my energy to rip myself away from Cocodrie, Louisiana. 

Day Seven: Louisiana, LUMCON

It is amazing how tired the human body can be, yet maintain a certain desirable level of perseverance. CLP group spent yesterday traveling across the Louisiana coast throughout the day and fish printing by night. It is a strenuous ordeal to be in the heat of the day for lengthly amounts of time. I managed to get in bed around 11:30ish. This morning the majority of us woke up a little after 5 AM in order to catch the sunrise, which entailed getting in and out of a boat and walking the shore of an island. After which, we began our travels back to the main campus, throughout which we took some minor pit stops along the way. After all of these previously mentioned events, I am physically spent. However, I cant bring myself to lay down to rest. I am far too excited for what may come within these nest few moments. 

Throughout my tired stupor, I stood on the balcony looking out across the landscape. In that split moment, I had a vision. I want to capture an image that goes in and out of focus, independent of aperture settings that spans across a single depth of field value. To my knowledge, there is no way to manipulate my N80 to preform and yield my desired results. The only solution I can develop, is a camera that has multiple lenses. Perhaps I should construct a pinhole camera with multiple, strategically placed pinholes. 

Hopefully this contains some sort of logical sense and is not a mere illusion provoked by my fatigue. There is only on way to find out. Go big or go home. Im not about to turn around now. 

Day Six: Louisiana, Grand Terre

**Disclaimer: This post was composed on Tuesday May 20, 2008 at 10:34 PM, however, due to the internet restrictions of the second LUMCON facility, I was unable to post until now.**

They say that a solid pair of shoes will take you far in life. Over the past 48 hours I have put my Converse All Star high tops to the test. Together we have walked, trudged, and scaled across the Louisiana coast. Ive been knee deep in mud, paving my way thought dense plant life, and stuck between rocks larger than myself. Out here, dependable shoes become your second best friend. Without them, you may fall victim to injury or find your self stranded. Neither are advisable. 

Lucky enough for me, Im venturing across these islands with both my All Stars, and my best friend. I am more sunburned, mosquito bitten, and otherwise scratched up than I have ever been, and yet, this may possibly be the happiest moment of my life. 

Fearless is as fearless does. 

Images coming soon. 

Day Five: Louisiana, Timbalier and Wine Islands

Today, by multiple individuals, I was called 'fearless.' However flattering this may be, or seem to be, this is not the case. I may very well be one of the biggest cowards at times. Although I may have moments were I come across as courageous, I am still human, just like everyone else. 

That being said, today when I got off the boat docked on the shore of Timbalier Island at 9:00 AM, I decided to turn over a new leaf, at least for the time being. This trip has the potential to be the most eye opening and beautiful experience that I have ever had, and I am not going to let one moment pass by with regret. May that mean jumping off a boat, scaling rocks, mounting the front end of a boat, walking through miles of flocks of birds, holding yabies, or wading through waist deep mashes, Ive decided that I am going to go for it. No questions asked. Im going to live in the now and not worry about what dangers could await me or what opinions people may form. Sure, its not the safest approach, and I have already sustained many injuries in doing so, but I cant let that stand in my way. 

During my time here, I am fearless. 

Day Four: Louisiana

Weather is not the only thing that people fail to disassociate. In every area we have been throughout this trip, our group has stuck out like a sore thumb, especially since we have traveled South, deeper into the Bible Belt. I enjoy observing the locals give us weird looks filled with confusion, distrust, and ignorance. The fact that our presence throws them off that much further proves that people have a hard time thinking outside his or her little community. Its things like this that make me wonder; If we, as the United States of America, cant even fully accept and support each each other, how on earth are we as a planet supposed to work towards something like world peace? It just seems like a lost cause if everyone wants to so closed up to the idea of diversity. 

We drove through New Orleans this afternoon. Surprising enough, the area is still plagued by the damage of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. I feel like the rest of the world, myself included, had assumed the issues had been resolved due to the lack of media coverage. This is not the case. Shopping centers, churches, homes, and even schools still remain in dire straights. The van ride was silent for the twenty minutes we passed through. And two words linger in my mind from that experience, "Cypress Grove," The name of the cemetery that is the home of many of the disasters victims. 

On a much lighter note, the area where we are staying is gorgeous. The following is an image from my balcony:

Day Three: Alabama

**Disclaimer: This entry was composed at 6:38 AM on Sunday May 18, 2008. However, due to the restrictions of “primitive camping” I was unable to post it until now.**

Its amazing to think about all the things you can learn about yourself when surrounded for extensive amounts of time by complete strangers. Instances such as these allow your soul to separate from your body and take a step back. In that instant you have the ability to absorb knowledge that would have otherwise gone unseen. Under these circumstances your senses are heightened, your perception is pin-point on target, a feat that many people will aspire to, yet never attain. 

Im privileged to have had the opportunity see myself through unbiased eyes. Every surface, corner, and crevasse has been analyzed. Im noticing and finally understanding my faults for the first time. Im beginning to recognize who I am rather than who others think I am. My life is about me, and what I make of it. Not for someone else to decide. 

At dinner last night I began my friendship with one of the individuals I met yesterday. He was talking about how he sold his house, in exchange for a trailer, in order to become closer to the Earth. He explained that he took everything out of the trailer in order to sleep on the floor, and consequently has not been happier. Ever. I cant even put into words the thoughts that were going through my head at that dinner table. At first I could not even comprehend why anyone would put him or her self in that situation willingly. And then everything clicked. This man is so in touch with himself, with his soul, that he needs nothing extra. All material possessions just began to get in his way, Limiting his creativity, affecting his art, decreasing his productivity. And it amazes me that he was able to see that and also take action to correct it. I am astonished.

Hopefully one day I am able to have a similar revelation. To be able to understand what is holding me back, and adjust that area of my life. But until that instance, Im going to make due with what I have, with what I know.

Day Two: Boone

Firstly I'd like to say that I am so proud to be from California. It's about time that someone got some sense and is willing to work towards ending hundreds of years of prejudice. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a revolution. One can only hope. And dream. 

As for today, we made the trek to Boone safely. I swear that car ride gets shorter and shorter each time I make it. It's interesting to watch the weather drastically change over the course of three hours. People tend to only think of themselves in their own community and often times have a hard time thinking outside that zone. Like, life is the same everywhere at one instance in time. I must shamefully admit, that I too have been that naive throughout my life. More than I would like to think about. Its amazing how selfish and trivial people can be, thinking that there is no other life outside his or her own. And it's funny how a simple drive from Raleigh to Boone can put all of that in to perspective. 

Tomorrow we continue our journey. One step closer to what could possibly be the best week of my life. I cant think of many things better than spending my every waking moment with my camera, not having to worry about anything else. Period. 

Day One: Uncle Timmy's House

Its one of the greatest feelings in the word to know that in a few short hours, Im going to get away from Wake County. Away from this town. Away from these people. I cant wait to get away. 

In a few hours we're going to drive to Boone, and officially begin our trip. For me, that moment can not come soon enough. 

“In Cyberspace, the First Amendment is a local ordinance.”

If a tree falls in the forest, no matter who is or isnt within an earshot, that tree still most definitely makes a sound. Unless of course that fallen tree exists in a universe built upon a soundless vortex. That, is an entirely different story. As is the same with other instances of life. Trees were, are, and will continue to be metaphorical symbols for all aspects of life. 

Similar to people, they undergo life cycles. They grow, age, and mature, until ultimately they die. And throughout their lives and deaths, trees poses the outstanding ab ility to adapt to the circumstances of life. They are able to sustain other life. They provide for the community. Food. Materials. Shelter. Medicines. So much is often over looked when viewing a tree. Its significance is masked by the trivial insecurities of life. Such a shame.

“More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginnings of all wars.”

Lets start over. From the beginning. No, seriously. Square one. 

You need not ask this time. This is directed at you. Yes, you. 

“We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.”

Ive racked my brain trying to figure out if your conscious of the fact that your actions have severe consequences. You have managed to single handedly isolate individuals, making each and every one of us feel about ten inches tall. Are your proud of that? Was that your intention? Do you even care any more?  

It feels kind of pointless now. Do what you will. Youve made it clear that you dont value my opinion anyways. Just know that I will always be here. Right here. 

Im going away for a week. Maybe Ill come home and things will be different. Although its never worked before, one can only hope. 

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

Today has been unlike most other days that I have ever encountered. Id just like to say that I expected more from you. 

After which, I cleaned my room. During that process, I stumbled upon a bunch of things I had written my Freshman and Sophomore years in high school. The following are a few choice excerpts. Enjoy.

"He bore a childish smirk on his face as he stood leaning on the end of his rifle for support. His face was covered with filth. Even the 'whites' of his eyes appeared black. 'The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his,' he said as he stared off over the horizon. He often thought of himself as clever, quoting self proclaimed wise men like that."

Sophomore Year

"Life as we know it has already begun to change. The world has been wiped of its innocence, leaving no traces of its existence behind."

January 2005

"I worship the quicksand you walk in."

Freshman Year

"Beside brown eyes and under dark skies we wait out the annihilation."

Sophomore Year

"From the depths of a mirror, a corpse gazed back at me. This is the aftershock of my mistakes."

Sophomore Year

"Listen to the color of your dreams."

Sophomore Year

"Welcome to the real world. Welcome to the threshold of twisted truths where your every move is plagued by sub conscience insecurities that pick and pry at the vindications of your youth."

Sophomore Year

"Rattle the silence. Your words reek of destruction. Slamming against me." 

Sophomore Year

"I am the shadow cast by your memory."

Freshman Year

Most of which are terrible, I know. You need not remind me. However, today they brought me peace. Which has in turn, saved my sanity today. 

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death”

Because I just ended my first year of college and coincidentally just moved back home for the summer, there were a ton of errands for me to take care of. Upon completing those various tasks, the brakes went out on my car, while I was driving it. 

It is one of the scariest things in the world to be in control of a 2 ton vehicle that cant be stopped. In a matter of seconds my life flashed before my eyes. Most people when referencing these types of situations speak of all the people they love and accomplishments they still want to achieve. My experience was a bit different. 

Instead of thinking of all the good in my life that I didnt want to leave behind, I had visions of all the poor choices Ive made and people Ive wronged. I have come to realize that I have dished out more than my fair share of ill will. 

So to anyone reading this, if i have spoken or acted against you, at any point throughout my lifetime, you have my deepest apologies. Hence forth I am doing my best to limit the possibility of my negative actions. Im learning to keep myself in check. Hopefully my next self realization wont be a result of a misfortunate event. 

"The fact that you are even reading this gives me faith in humanity."

Im different. Theres no denying that. Im so different that you were able to notice, right off the bat. And youre also different. Theres no hiding from that either. We both saw that coming. But yet, even through our differences, I still feel like you know me better than I know myself. 

I guess some things just dont change. But Im not complaining, Im embracing. To be completely honest, I couldnt be happier. Its been so long since Ive have a conversation where I felt that the other communicator could reciprocate my feelings. 

I needed that. Thank you. 

Thanks for listening. Thanks for helping me become who I am.

“Official truths are often powerful illusions”

This morning when I awoke in our barren dorm room, I felt a calling to the window. A midst my half-awake stupor, I stumbled to the window to look out across the courtyard. Much to my disbelief, I saw you laying there, basking in the sun, wearing your green Of Montreal shit and dark sweatpants that are 2 sizes too large. I ran to 305 to share my visions. By the time I returned to our window, you were gone. 

And now Im questioning wether I actually saw you or not in the first place. 

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”

Today marks the last day of my freshman year.

Its a difficult thing to watch some of your friends leave and go back to their previous lives, or to be the individual leaving others. I grew with these people. We learned lessons together. Even now as i type Im watching a dear friend scrub and vacuum away he dirt remnants of a no longer existent friendship. At the end of the day this room will be empty, like we had never been here to begin with.

Over the course of this year, we have spent most of our daily lives together, and to have that all change, over the course of one day, is heartbreaking. I feel that summer may be a challenging thing for all of us, however I hope that we pick up where we left off when we return in the fall. For those of you not returning to Turlington the following year, my best goes out to you. May you be successful in all your endevours. Each of you will always have a special place in my heart. To those of you returning, I must say, that I cannot wait. This is my second family. This is my second home. I cant wait to return in the fall.

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.”

So it's 4:37 AM. I know by the time i finish this entry it will no longer be, but such is life. As a matter of fact, the clock has changed during the process of constructing that last sentence. It's funny how things work out sometimes. There are times in life where I feel like everything is coming together, like everything in my life has some sort or meaning. But then of course there are always inversely proportional days were I wish that i could disappear. Who's to say which is better. We can benefit from both. People have this outstanding ability to turn terrible situations into life lessons that are influential to everyone. Id like to think that Ive had at least a few of those. If not I guess the vast majority of my time spent on this god forsaken planet has been a waste. But then again, who am I to judge? In the grand scheme of things i guess my opinion doesnt really matter anyways. I could be just another voice in a crowd. How would I know otherwise? I havent the slightest idea. Just like I dont have the slightest idea why I am still awake. I finished my assignment circa 3:00 AM. I guess Im not even making much sense to myself at this current stage. Well, this has been, and will continue to be my first actual "all nighter" per say since I have started school here, and I must say, I feel the most productive Ive ever felt in my life. 

Im glad i could capture this essence of time within this blog. I may not have another moment like this for a while. 

And also, in other news, happy birthday JJ. 

Thanks for the shout out last night. That meant more to me than you may ever know. 

"All men should strive, to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."

Sometimes I wish that I wasnt so damn selfish. 

Im going to miss you. Actually, I have no idea what Im going to do without you here with me. I honestly dont have the slightest idea. But I know that youre doing this for you, because its something you need to do in order to get better, in order to find yourself, in order to become the person you want to be. 

I can only hope that our paths cross later on down the line. 

Nothing in this world could make me happier. 

Nothing.

But because this is what your heart has led you to do, I support you 100%. I will always stand behind you. 

"Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it."

I don't know what to do to help you. 

And that kills me. 

“Disability is a matter of perception."

Today my advisor told me that she believes that I have a learning disability. My COM 230 professor agrees with her. They helped me get an appointment in order to get tested. As of yet, Im not quite sure what to think of this situation. Apparently my advisor and professor had a discussion based on my low test scores in comparison to my high essay scores. They believe that there is something hindering me from more successfully completing multiple choice tests. And again, I am not certain wether I agree or disagree at this point in time. Ive always had a rough time with multiple choice tests, even in high school, however, I have never considered it to be a 'disability.' After my meeting with my advisor, my dad called me, so I told him about the situation, He laughed as if it were a joke. He just doesnt understand. But then again, neither do I.

I guess Ill see what happens after my appointment. 

"Patience is the companion of wisdom"

There are numerous people in my life who must live by experience; they must discover truths and endure life lessons first hand. I respect that. That is a quality that sometimes, I am far too cowardice to embrace. Instead, I protect myself. I see the world for what it is and make rational decisions based on facts, rather than feelings. For the most part that is. In doing so I am able to witness the paths of those I love, wether it be for better or worse. Watching all these events take place could by far be one of the hardest tasks that I have ever had to face. By nature, I not only aim to protect myself, but also those I care about. I hate to see these people hurting inside, knowing full well that I cant do anything to prevent it; knowing that they need to experience this for their own personal gain. 

How long can I remain just a bystander? How long should I wait? What if I wait too long? These thoughts often plague my mind. I do what I can to keep them at bay, solely for the good of everyone involved. Some would like to think that it gets easier with time. I beg to disagree. Although it is a hard task and it does not get easier, I feel that a certain level of strength is reached after every encounter. And I depend on that strength to carry me through tomorrow. 

I will not turn my back on my best friend

Ive made this mistake before, and I will never do it again. I do hear by swear, that I will not make that mistake twice. 

I feel like he needs me now more than ever. He has stood by me through my darkest hour. He has seen me at my most vulnerable point. He picked picked me up when I fell, and trust me, I fell fast and hard. There were some days when I thought I wouldnt make it to see the next, but he lifted me up and stood by my side when I needed him the most. When I thought that my life was over, he showed me a new path. He provided my strength. I cant imagine where I would be without him. He did all this for me, not because he thought it was the right thing to do, but because he cared about me. Because he saw a light inside of me that no one else could. Not even myself. And I will forever be grateful. I owe him so much.

And for that, I will not turn my back, not now, not ever. No matter what anyone else says. 

I love you Broha. Thank you. For everything. And Im going to be here for you. I know you need me now.

"I need your grace to remind me to find my own."

Progress

"They say that time changes things, but you 

actually have to change them yourself."

This is the best photograph from my first season as 

photographer for the Lady Mustangs:

This is the best photograph from my second season as 

photographer for the Lady Mustangs:

This is the best photograph from my third and most recent 

season as photographer for the Lady Mustangs:

The Twins

There's no weak sauce here.

Combined, these two are an unstoppable force of excitement, energy, and life. It can only be summarized by a constant whirlwind of teenage emotion exploding in your face. And that last sentence does not even begin to do these two justice. I cant recall a single day where the two of them were not smiling. The ambitions that they hold inside are big, bold, and brave. They intend to use every once of their abilities to accomplish the goals that they set for themselves. Everyday they push them selves to the limits, working towards becoming better and stronger. 

I met the two of them their 7th grade year, my junior year. Had someone told me back then that these two would end up meaning so much to me, I would have laughed in their face. Allow me to eat my own words. There is a fire inside both these girls, one unlike most other people that I have ever come in contact with. They have so much potential, and aim to make every bit of it count. It is inspiring to watch the two of them shoot for the stars day in, and day out 24/7. 

Im grateful that I am able to witness their journey and extend a helping hand along the way. We have so much to learn from each other. 

The Teacher

The teacher is one of the most outstanding people that I have met thus far. His eyes are comforting. His words are kind. He spends the majority of his free time providing kids with opportunities and outlets to develop his or her skills. In turn, kids can take these skills and develop a career with them. My teacher is providing kids with careers. He is providing them a future, a future that many of them had never previously considered. I know this first hand. I was one of these kids, lucky enough to be touched by this man's life. He took skills that I already had, and applied them to diferent situations, then helped me fine tune the adjustment. He has stood behind me, as both a teacher and as a friend, and supported me through thick and thin. I owe my passion for life to this man. He is a giver. He is selfless. Without him, I would never found my passion. I would not understand what it is like know my calling. 

The Siblings

One brother. One sister. Both younger. They are the light of my world. Hands down, no questions asked. After having watched both of them grow up, age, and mature, I can only imagine what the future holds for each of them. 

The brother is currently a sophomore in high school. Since he was little he has always been his own person. He has kept a small amount of close friends and spent much of his time learning new things. He is musically gifted, and has mastered multiple instruments, including the trumpet, french horn, keyboard, and piano. He has also spent time working with the accordion, harmonica, and guitar. He has even been able to use his skills in video games such as rock band and guitar hero. My friends and I always joke about how we should enter him in a contest or hustle unsuspecting people at Best Buy. When not surrounded by musical instruments, my brother spends his time with his computer and has conquered multiple video games and even learned the more technical side of the CPU. He can build a computer if given the proper hardware, and has even learned to write small programs and html. I am convinced that he is a genius. And his grades further reflect that assumption. Ever since I can remember he has been a straight A student. My brother is a strong person. He is not swayed by the thoughts and ideas of his fellow classmates. My brother is an independent thinker. My brother is loyal. He has taught me to take every day slow, to take each day one at a time. I have learned that life is full of ups and downs, and you never know what tomorrow with bring. He showed me that it is never too late to try something new. Through his independence, I have also paved my own path. Life is not defined by what I am doing, but instead is defined by who I am. And because of my brother, I will never forget who I am. 

The sister is currently a junior in high school. My sister is, and has been, my best friend. She is very stubborn yet level headed, much like myself. I owe my sister everything. She is wise beyond her yeas (in certain circumstances) and played a huge roll in developing my current morals and values. When I hit a rough spot in life a few years back, she relentlessly attempted to guide me back to the path that made me who I am today. Without her by my side, I would have most certainly fallen deeper into a dark place. But because she is my younger sister, my baby sister if you will, I have dedicated my life to protecting her. No matter what. Because of this I have kind of made a name for myself, a "hard ass" of sorts. And as a result pushed her away. Today I realized that no matter how old we get, she will always be my baby sister, but there comes a time when I cant be over bearing any more. I have to let her go. I have to let her make her own choices, be they mistakes or opportunities. I have to be willing to let her fall, but also stand by her side and help her through those times. My sister has shown me that I dont need to be a hard ass all the time and also that it is okay to have a sensitive side. She has allowed me to see this side of myself, that I wasnt aware of, but she saw the entire time. Thank you. Im sorry it took me this long to see it. 

The Roommate

This past fall marked the beginning of my college career. And of all the things for me to be worried about, I lost sleep thinking about my housing situation. I was scared to death thinking that I was going to get stuck for an entire year with a mean, prude, whore, or insane person. Instead, I lucked out.

My roommate it unlike any other person that I have met. She is the epitome of the term "free spirit." She is what she is, and does what she does regardless of what others may think. From what I understand, she has always been artistically driven, but over the past few years, art has taken control of her life, in a positive way. Actually, she is strongly considering a career path involving art. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity, nay, the privilege, to photograph her work for her portfolio. In order to do so we transformed our small dorm room into a make shift studio of sorts, using white sheets, multiple light fixtures, white paper, and masking tape. The over all experience is one that I am bound to remember for the rest of my life. The connection that we had that night was indescribable. But then again, such is also true of our friendship in general. She is very laid back, caring, and knowledgeable. Together we mesh so well. There have been multiple days (and nights) where I have been able to depend on her for a listening ear and strong shoulder. And I for her as well. The passion she carries for her desires and aspirations is incredible, and incidentally inspiring. Although we have our ups and downs, I cant imagine feeling this at peace with another person. Thank you, for showing me another side of myself, one that I had long forgotten about.  

"The absence of judgement allows us to appreciate reality"

So I've always really hated blogs. I'm not exactly sure for what reason. And I'm also not aware of what inspired me to begin one in the first place. As of late, I've found myself surrounded by individuals who have touched my life. My roommate, my siblings, a teacher, a set of twins, and a handful of friends. Because of them, I've been able to open my eyes to a whole different world. A world full of hope and aspirations. One that I never thought that I would be able to see, much less become a part of. As a result of my relationships with these people, I'm beginning to understand that I play a larger role in this world than I had previously thought. A role that allows me inspire others in return. We are all connected in one way or another. We owe it to each other, as human beings, to support each other. To help one another find his or her place in the world. 

I guess I know what inspired my new found appreciation for blogging after all.